Dating a convicted felon
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But as custodes stand now. Question is - old habits die hard. I agree with babylonia. Why are you drawn to men with bad pasts, men who may need your help. Everyone knew about Zangeif's past and people wanted to talk about it. At the end of the day, we were solo. That is neither just or equitable. In fact I made a list of I would never date a girl including all those little things and she has them all. And not because I dating a convicted felon they would vote the way I do. It should be no different with ring, either. Just a little civics lesson: The U.
Dear Wendy is a relationship advice blog. You can read about me , peruse the archives and read popular posts. You can also follow along on and. He is funny, cute, smart, and we get along together like peanut butter and jelly. Unfortunately, he has told me he has a bad record. He is a felon with not just one, but four felonies, one being serious, plus multiple misdemeanors. He is currently attending school to be a veterinary technician and said he is able to get a job in that field regardless of his background, but I am not convinced. I love everything about him, but I know already my friends and family will not accept him with this background and they would tell me I need to get out of this toxic relationship. Should I stay for the long haul and jump the hurdles with him or flee and never look back? How long ago were they? I have experience dating someone with a criminal background. In his late teens and early twenties, he had relatively minor offenses like domestic assault, etc and had an issue with drugs. I thought or maybe wanted to convince myself that this was something he had worked through. Needless to say we broke up, and out of curiousity, I looked his name up recently and his criminal record got out of control after we broke up — several felonies. Of course, my experience is not your experience. But the bottom line is this, people with criminal records especially felonies have blatant disrespect for other people and their communities. Why are you drawn to men with bad pasts, men who may need your help? This relationship is still new. The basic question you asked is, should you stay or should you go? And Letter Writer, I think you should go. Lord only knows where you are drawing the line to make one really serious. You know your family and friends will not accept him. You know that he is capable of whatever those four felonies total up to — and that he repeat offends. Maybe some time with a therapist to understand that would be key before you make up your mind. Ultimately the choice is yours — go in with eyes wide open. But if you are asking if it a good idea? The answer does not sound like yes. The felony of lying to a Federal Agent? A convicted sex offender — as in a 19 year old with a 17 year old? Or are we talking drug dealing, grand larceny, assault, pedophilia, rape or things that are universally agreed to be serious crimes? If they are the second sort serious felonies? This could really hinder future opportunities and make life a lot harder than it needs to be. But aside from that, I would worry about what the fact that he has committed multiple felonies says about his character. At the same time, for me it would depend on what the crimes he committed were, why he committed them, and what was stopping him from doing the same thing in the future. Especially because they are felonies. It will be for a long, long, time. There are of course many felonies that are serious, and some that I feel can be looked past. And, most importantly, there are many crimes for which the first offense is a traffic ticket, while the second offense is a misdemeanor, and the third is a felony. Keep in mind that in Wisconsin possession of marijuana is a misdemeanor offense the first time, and a felony offense any additional time: -Kid gets caught at 17 which is the youngest age here where you can charge straight up as an adult with a bong and a baggie of weed. Kid gets charged with Possession of Drug Paraphernalia and Possession of THC. Pleads to both, goes to treatment while the case is pending, gets a fine. Court orders him to go to a monitoring service for random urine screens while out on bail. The kid admits to having had a bit of marijuana that morning, and openly admits to having a little baggie and a pipe in his pocket. DA charges a new case against him for Felony Bail Jumping felony , Possession of THC — 2nd and Subsequent felony , and Possession of Drug Paraphernalia. Kid serves his condition time, gets out, and continues to keep a handle on his sobriety, is a model probationee, and completes probation without a hitch. Would his addiction be something the LW should be concerned about? Sure, the same way you should be concerned about any addiction. I once saw a guy who tried to out run a cop when speeding. He was stupid and 17 BTW. He was charged with felonies for evading police. There were no guns or drugs in the car but he had like 6 different charges against him for essentially thinking he was in dukes of hazzard. Like, what did he do, when, and why? I love the smell. And I love the blue lining tape you put up. And oh the smell. Next, head over to the cheeses chice? Finally, go park your ass in the chip isle that is oddly always vacant stupid health nuts. Since he has multiple arrests, it would have been VERY tedious to write them all out, and everyone would have nitpicked them anyways. Also, he has already served his time. According to the penal system, he now deserves a second chance at life. The letter itself was a tedious act, so adding a couple more words like murder, sold drugs or child molester is not asking for too much more. Why do you have to write with such a bitchy tone the UHHHHH, NO? He served his time and from the limited information we have, has been a law-abiding member of society since he got out. But if there is the constant knocking-down, redundant chastising, and blind un-acceptance as you are demonstrating, this guy is never going to have the chance to be a productive member of society. He served his time, therefore he is supposed to get a second chance. To her, his past is not an MOA type of thing. A problem which you are perpetuating by blindly assuming that a convicted felon is probably a child molester to put it in a nutshell. She said that she is dating and falling in love with him. It seems to be that our methods of reading comprehension are quite different. Hopefully the LW will come back and clarify things for everyone. Apparently for that LW it was not a deal-breaker that her husband was watching child-porn. And if so, is it just because of his criminal background or is he still behaving like a criminal? How does he treat you? HOWEVER— because I realize that might sound flippant? Is this a coincidence? Such as…has he made significant strides to change his criminal patterns? Does he understand that his past crimes were wrong? Is he sufficiently regretful? Does he display any tendencies that make you wary that he could repeat offend? What limitations will he always have work related, travel related, insurance related, financially, etc due to his past as a criminal? I suspect the logic behind the Wisconsin legislature making that a prohibition for violent felonies which I understand to be felony-level batteries — i. Besides the one conviction she had a 25 year career in the medical field and was a successful single parent of two kids. The only job she has been able to find in 6 years is pizza delivery. The only reason for that is the felony. Generally situations like these do not sound worth all the baggage. You can find men with all those qualities sans a criminal record. If you would care to elaborate though in an update or in the thread maybe we can get more specific to your situation. I think you should probably stop going there. But in this case, I really, really think you should just MOA. That means he got caught, was tried, and found guilty FOUR times. How many times did he commit crimes and NOT get caught? Why is he so willing to break the law? What kinds of stuff is he into? Sorry, employers ASK about that stuff, and run background checks. Then, maybe, you could try it. But as things stand now? I think you should probably stop going there. To elaborate more on your point about 4 felonies…if he does it again…that is some heavy jail time. Is she prepared to deal with that? What if they have kids down the road and he ends up back in jail? They met while he was in a halfway house and have been together for almost a year now. He was VERY upfront and open about his status, and has no problems discussing it, even with me. I very strongly believe that his past is in his past, and he has proved himself to be trustworthy and honest. However, he and my friend have a very loving, supportive, honest, HEALTHY relationship. His past should play no part in the decision to stay or leave. March 7, 2012, 9:47 am I agree, I would have to have some more info about the nature of the crimes, the circumstances, and how long ago they were. Now, it seems promising that he is attending school and focusing on a new crime-free career, which to me seems like an indicator that he is committed to turning his life around. It seems a bit odd to me that no one else commented on that. That for me would be critical info. His crimes are non-violent, essentially victim-less and more the result of not being very smart about running his business than some malignant intent. And while they may not be violent in nature, they can ruin the lives of people who were swindled. In order for people involved in the schemes to get jail time they need to be considered felonies. The Federal system has a sentencing code that allows the sentence to be enhanced when there are large sums of money involved and lowered when there are mitigating circumstances such as aiding the FEDS in the investigation after being caught. Unfortunately, people sometimes get caught up in federal crimes by the omission of acts, i. He earned what is coming to him. I just hope people can remember that not all felons look like Snidely Whiplash and cackle off into the distance to count their millions. But, like everyone else, I would need to know what specifically they were before I can give a thorough response. Where is he going? Have you confirmed that he is in fact a student there? Have you verified exactly what he told you about his offenses? These guys can be very charming when they want to be. Even if he is a superb vet tech, any job that comes down between him and another candidate with no record, the application with no criminal record will get the job 100% of the time. Are you ready to deal with that? It is hard to be with someone who is incarcerated. It shows a much more disturbing pattern. Its really sad to see, but it happens a lot. And as far as being a vet tech, while individual employers may be willing to give him a chance, there are a lot of drugs available there that might stop employers from trusting him. If any of his crimes had to do with drugs, this is a concern — not only for employment, but for you. Is he a drug addict? They will find out eventually. I did lose a lot of friends because of it. It can get lonely and painful. I just think you should seriously consider all of the possible factors and how you will handle them. It is a lot harder than it looks. Of course, its possible that he is truly reformed and will never get into trouble, but that may always be nagging at you in the back of your mind. LW, if you need to talk to anyone, please let me know. If you go to my blog by clicking on my name , there is a link on there to email me. He was stealing chips and then cashing them in at a sister casino. It made our lives very difficult and money was always tight. To put it in perspective, my dad could barely work at Walmart and Kmart after his felony. LW, this is something that you really have to consider if you want a future with this guy. Monday I walked away with two bags of pre-mixed valium syringes for my one dog. How long have you known him? What, exactly, were his crimes, and how open and honest has he been about them? What is his attitude towards his record- does he take responsibility and vow to change? Has he behaved in ways that indicate he is actually changing? I feel like the answers to these questions must be bad, or you would have included them. Please just keep in mind that whatever crazy connection you think you feel with this guy, you barely know him at this point. There are other guys you will feel a connection with too, if you choose to. The fact that there are four felonies and countless misdemeanors matters, too. One of the big red flags for me is that this is your second gut with a criminal history. In fact, I would probably enjoy it because he could hook me up! But if he has charges like assault, rape, or burglary I would definitely have a problem with that because those things go against MY moral code. You do have valid concerns as to his ability to find employment, so I would research that if I were you. Having a partner with a job is important. They would have me married off to a Baptist pastor and tied down with at least 4 kids, no job or college degree. If this guy makes you happy, eff what your family thinks. It is going to very difficult to build a life with this man if she so chooses. And why did she not go into the details of his crimes? Did she leave that out to justify dating a convicted felon? Do you really want that hanging over your life? No — Honey, move on. He may be lovely, but there are plenty of lovely men out there, plenty who are not felons. When someone glosses over what a criminal has done, it shows me that the relationship is probably not going to work out. What exactly did this guy do? What did he do to rectify the problem? How long has he gone crime free? A felon could be anything from a murderer to a Ponzi-schemer. A armed robber to a hacker. Drugs could be involved or no. The fact that you have glossed over his crimes suggests to me that they were pretty bad, and his idea of being a vet tech worries me. He will have access to drugs meant for animals that can be used on humans to sedate them. He could very well be the one to put Fido down. It speaks volumes to your self-esteem. I wish you the best of luck. Four felonies is bad. LW says one of felonies was more serious. Plus he has several misdemeanors on top of the four felonies. About the tamest scenario I can imagine is that he has a few misdemeanors for drug use and then was busted for dealing. If he resisted arrest and had a gun, that gets you close to, but not yet up to his felony total. Does she find the danger and hint of violence arousing? There are lots of guys out there that will love you for you without any type of record at all. You yourself say that you are not convinced when he says that he is able to get a job in his field. And girl, these are legitimate concerns! Before you make the decision though, I think you should do a few things. Also, along with the idea above of seeing a therapist to understand why you are attracted to the bad boys, you might wanna find someone lawyer-y to talk to. Someone who would know and understand and be able to explain to you the limitations that this guy will put on you. He might not get them all, and he might lie to you. My father has quite a few misdemeanors and one felony in his record. Most are drug related, a few for breaking and entering and some other stuff. Obviously dating someone with convictions will be tough. Not everybody with a record will turn their lives around. Has he taken steps to rehabilitate himself therapy, rehab, community service, etc? Is he trying to be a better person? A lot of commenters seem to feel that it makes a difference if he was charged with a violent crime or a drug crime. But does it really matter? To me being convicted of multiple felonies is a huge character flaw regardless of what the felony was for. I mean I live in Colorado — I am clearly not against drug use. But to be convicted of a felony you either have to have done a small thing multiple times or a big thing once. For example if you are convicted of doing something small — selling weed — multiple times, why is that okay? I am fine with people smoking weed. I would be more concerned that the person I was dating was dumb enough to get caught. And dumb enough to get caught multiple times. The inability to obey the law to me is a character flaw within itself. If you want to smoke weed in your house then fine. But if you are convicted of a felony for it it you have to have been caught multiple times. To me that takes it from recreational usage to someone that has a serious problem. Best case scenario he has some drug charges that added up to felonies. These are not great qualities. Worst case scenario his felony is for some violent crime. Bottom line — they cheated. I remember when I was having a brief fling with a guy that was fizzling out he tried to convince me to stay by saying he was extremely faithful and had never cheated on a girlfriend. I was like really? To me at least — another bare minimum to have a healthy relationship is that you can create a future together — which will be really hard with this guy. I have no problem with drug use and think the laws against it are ridiculous — but if someone gets in trouble with the law once, they should want to avoid getting in trouble again. I was thinking along these lines the whole time I was reading it, but wondering if my standards were too high. I would certainly be concerned with someone dumb enough to get caught multiple times. I will never be okay creating a future with someone with a criminal record. I understand people come from different places geographically, socially, psychologically, etc. Generally speaking in the US smoking weed, selling weed or possesing weed is illegal. You say an inability to follow the law is a charactor flaw in the same breath you say smoking weed is ok in your book. This is a pretty big contradiction to me. But selling is not legal. So the inability to follow the law and not ruin your future is a character flaw with me. If you can do things that otherwise might be considered illegal smoking weed in other places and not get caught — so it has no effect on your life — then go for it. Something that is supposed to be recreational should never ruin your future. So if that is a risk he should have stopped after the first time — and his choosing not to is the character flaw with me. So why all the speculation? It is still federally illegal here, but state legal. Only California and Colorado I think chose to. Which is a joke. But anyway, maybe 6 months ago september I think the feds starting shutting down the dispencaries in California, so Colorado is pretty much on notice that they will get shut down soon too. Regardless of what the other commenters are saying about nitpicking and drawing crooked lines, it is up to you to decide what priors are acceptable to you or not. However, you should think about a few things that dating a felon brings about: Familial and community acceptance. It depends on your state and his convictions, but my ex was unable to rent a decent apartment in a safe neighborhood. If we had moved in together, the lease would always have to be in my name. Yes, Vet techs are not bound by the same laws as, say, medical assistants. However, he has to put in his job applications that he is a convicted felon, and that means he is always going to be put at the bottom of the totem pole in comparison to all other non-convict job applicants. It will be exceptionally hard for him to find a decent job. It does NOT matter what kind of person he is — prison has affected his psyche. He had a hard time keeping himself calm whenever he felt threatened. My ex was always able to control himself, but it was a little disturbing to see that side of him whenever we would have an argument. Men who have been in prison are very distrustful of others, and sensitive to being disrespected. It is all dependent on the individual, but it is guaranteed that your man is not going to be quite the same as regular civilians. Can you handle that, for the rest of your life? He was an addict and alcoholic at the time. It has never impacted his career negatively, although it comes up in background checks, and occasionally he gets asked to take an extra drug test. The only way you will know whether his career is severely limited is basically to wait and see. I let them get to know and love him without telling them anything about his background. By the time his background came out in dribs and drabs years later, it had become irrelevant to their opinion of him. And my family is ULTRA straitlaced. I will say, even if he his mistakes are well and truly in the past, there is a lot of logistical baggage that comes with being with someone with a bad record, from societal judgment, to job opportunties, to potential housing restrictions. So think about this one hard. He may be a wonderful man, but there are some massive drawbacks and you have every right to be wary of them. Long time Lurker, 1st time poster. Look, Im a criminal defense attorney, and I can see both sides of this. Most importantly to what you want to do going forward, LW is how long ago these crimes were committed, and what kind of employment he has had since getting out. I do seriosuly believe that our criminal justice system is too harsh overall, especially for non-violent and drug-related crimes. And no matter how adamantly a client proclaims that he is going to be on the straight and narrow after this last charge, etc, etc, most of them end up calling me again. Bottom line, it is your decision and yours only whether this relationship is worth it to you. Will he have problems with employment? More likely than not. Figure it out for yourself how worth it his past is to you. Look into whether he is emmployable after school- which you need to talk with him about too.
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